I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
