matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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