Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
