id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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