Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
