Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
