I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
