I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
