i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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