the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
