I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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