I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
