I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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