Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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