OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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