Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
