Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
