The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
