exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
