Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
