can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
