Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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