i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
