I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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