Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
