My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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