Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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