I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
