I didn't shave. On purpose
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
