did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
