just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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