I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
