There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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