he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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