I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
