So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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