If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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