Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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