only you would photoshop your dick
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
