so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
