i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
