i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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