your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
