Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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