so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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