just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
