I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
