defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
