My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
