I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
